“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
The intensity of Mai’s therapy treatment as well as her excessive fear of abandonment often trigger crises. She might stay in bed a couple of hours or days paralysed with anxiety and despair. This side of herself remains unsuspected by all but her closest ones, a particularity of the BPD.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
Just as suddenly, Mai’s mood might switch to the opposite extreme and reveal the gregarious and out going side of her. Now totally disconnected from her emotions she feels invincible. Her impulsivity can lead her to risky behaviours unless accompanied by friends.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
Without a clear sense of identity Mai’s lack of inhibition gives her a charming honesty that brings people around her. As joyfully as she eats this apple, she needs her friends to fulfil her hunger to be loved.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
Mai practices Butoh, a dance inspired by Expressionism that originated in Japan in the 60’s. Butoh encourages performers to focus on their inner world and the cyclical nature of life and death. This perfectly suits Mai’s attraction to extremes. Death itself is as present in her mind as her life instinct is. She performs in a cemetery attempting to win over one on her recurrent hallucinations in her previous psychotic episodes: a back hole swallowing her into nothingness.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
Mai is insomniac and wakes up several times at night to eat excessively. Eating disorder is a common way to cope impusively with anxiety in BPD sufferers.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
In times of crises Mai takes up to three baths a day to calm herself down. At one point this safe place had become a morbid fantasy. She imagined herself with a long blade and the pleasure of seeing the water run deep red. She felt discouraged. Today she puts her head under the water, and slides her fingers against the bath to create whale sounds. When she naively explains this to her ex-boyfriend he kindly responds, "Get a job Mai!" They laugh.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
Prevented from working sufficiently after years of illness and intensive therapy Mai finds the ideal way to get extra cash by modelling in life drawing classes. Some of her protective loved ones worried at first.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
Mai's spontaneous transparency is precisely her strength as a model. This practice answers her need to perform, to be seen, and find herself through the eyes of others as she does in a mirror effect during her group therapy session.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
“Love is what you want” Tracey Emin’s statement fits well on Mai’s wall. She certainly receives it from her son with whom she has a very strong and honest relationship. They share a real complicity and support each other.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
Alone, Mai feels lost. Her emotional memory becomes dysregulated as it does for most BPD sufferers. In the absence of her loved ones she has the sensation that they never excited, that she would never feel their love again. Lonely nights are ordeals. She finds comfort in transitional objects as a child would with a teddy bear. Her mobile phone always stays close at hands too.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
Humour and her readiness to joke and laugh at herself help her overcome despair. An unexpected visitor might suddenly distract her out of her bed straight to the kitchen, ready to cook. Her generosity and welcoming nature makes her home an open house naturally full of love and laughs around the table in a very French way.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
Music, dance and movements are omnipresent in Mai. Her natural hedonism compensates her self-destructive tendencies. She knows how to indulge and loves to dance alone at home. In her years of illness she was prone to compulsive spending treating herself with saunas, yoga classes and clothes.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
Mai rehearses a Butoh dance on her balcony. Physicality and creativity stabilise her overwhelming emotional life. She pours her demons into artistic performances. But her tendency to disconnect sometimes creates a blur between reality and performance.
“Mai’s life on the Borderline”
Her family duties bring her back to reality. Mai looks after her grandson, as her daughter is pregnant. She is determined to be a responsible and supportive mother and grandmother for the baby’s birth. This motivates her all the more to be fully recovered by the approaching final day of her three years long therapy treatment. Although very apprehensive, she is now hopeful.
